lying in total darkness, plugged into my earphones, itunes playing bon jovi's i'll be there for you, wondering why i'm still awake in this wretched hour, praying for dad who's out working, replaying the past week in my mind, filling in little details, smiling foolishly at small things, thinking about a million and one things...
. . . . . . . . . . . .
when it comes to camp & stuffs, no doubt we're different from the rest - we're obsessed with our house. how many times have each of us say this to different audiences, silently, subtly or otherwise, that fun is our least priority, that we didn't come back to have fun? countless. in a way, camp has already become somewhat of a service to us. we serve. we ensure people have fun. we give back what it has given us. time, effort, money, sweat and tears, we give willingly. we thought we weren't good enough, just as well, we work doubly hard. we sacrificed sleep. we held firm to the knowledge of 4 other teammates who were giving their all, and drew strength from there.
but amid this obsession with our identity & very idealistic stances that can so polarised opinions within and beyond the house, we gradually forget something - the basis of our existence. one year ago, angels brought 5 of us together. since that day, service and us have become one. nonetheless, with success came expectations and disappointments. having been there and done that, our competitive streak surfaced and gradually took over the humble, selfless individuals that served the house so well. and today, we think we still have the same obsession. but no, this monster has reared its ugly head. today, we're obsessed with winning. no! you would say, but hold it, and think again.
friends, let's return to the time when it all started. has any one of us discussed winning? no. has any one expected us to win? no. has any one of us said anything about being the best house? no. even as the results flooded through us by the days, and our belief of affirmation increased, we never expected. we only hoped. right through the last moment on day 5, where 5 of us sat, arms around each other, heart pumping, silently saying our prayers, hoping that the most "garang" house wasn't ours. and it came true. not that it mattered, because we set out not to win, but to give it our all. and that we did, in all modesty. only when the winning habit became instilled in us, that we find the converse so difficult to swallow.
so my friends, let's go back to the ideals we held so firmly at the beginning. so what if we haven't won? so what if the results were rigged? so what if the best house was robbed of its most deserved title? look around you. is any freshmen screaming unfairness, after the initial hype of the scandal died down? no! that's because in their most innocent, purest and truest selves as freshmen, they do not, rightly so, give winning/losing the attention it barely deserves. and because they're in their cleanest and purest form, their unpolluted heart knows that the only thing that matters is the force we so strongly advocate throughout the camp, yet turned our backs on at this very moment.
and that force, as we know it, as we call it, is Love. love among the freshmen, between the freshmen and their beloved ogls/councillors/house ics, love in the house, love in the family. truth is, every freshmen in our house has found a lodging, and found friends. and my friends, isn't this what we all worked for?
so friends, pick yourself up, and take the positives out of this camp. and you'll see we haven't lost anything, but have already gained 75 new red bloodeds. com'on friends, we still have work to do, there're 150 new bloods for us to keep, for us to love, for us to teach them.. about this thing call Love.
Last evening the rcommg6 ppl minus keith had dinner together at nyny. It was the usual talk cock sing song update about each other's life kinda things. Then there was this point where some went out to washroom, and by the chance of fate, one came back earlier.
And then I said I wanna take photo w kangs cos she awol damn long. Then suddenly it struck me.
We are the original R5! OMG OMG OMG!!
Certainly calls for a photo moment!
It's so coincidental, that our union was similarly by the pure chance of fate, the combination of numerous intertwining factors, and certainly not pre-planned. A year on, we've moved on from the hot-blooded, quick-thinking fiery young things to the systematic composed deep thinking rao-raos. But everything else still remains the same. As ivan puts it, the harmony was perfect. Actually, it still is.
There will never be another R5. We will never say goodbye in R5... I heart R5 <3
P.S. This wasn't supposed to be an emo post. It's supposed to be happy!!
As I woke up and dragged myself out of bed today, stumbled into the washroom and let the water drown my sleepiness, I can't help but wonder why in the world I am subjecting myself through all these. The business, the rushing about, the lack of sleep & the physical strains I'm putting my body through blah blah blah.. I always tell people that hols are the busiest times in my uni life, but this holiday is on a totally different level. It's hectic, it's packed, it's shagged, so much so that these kind of thoughts creep into me.
But seriously thinking about it, it made me realised that none of the things that's taking up my time is forsakeable. None. Everything I'm doing, everything that I go through, is what I WANT to do. And I'm enjoying most of it all. So what if I sacrifice a little sleep over that? So what if I've little time for my friends, or even no time for myself? I guess at the end of the day, it's what makes you happy that matters. And doing what you really want does just that.
And comparing myself to many others out there, there are dozens who are much more active than me, who are doing so much in their lives, or at least trying to. They are involved in everything from within school to beyond. And many of these people, actually do still have time for themselves, so why am I complaining? (ok im not but just reminding myself not to) I used to think "why make yourself so tired, at the end of the day -insert activity- is not gonna help much in the future" But somehow somewhere sometime over the past few months, it struck me that whatever you're involved in may not help in your resume nor your career path, but it does and WILL in some way or another make you a better person. With every little thing you take up, you enrich yourself with so much more life experience than someone who doesn't. Especially the things we do now, it's like a form of accelerated learning where we're forced by circumstances to learn things very quickly, and still learn it well eventually. And at the end of the day, I can safely say 9 out of 10 times, these little little (or big perhaps) things don't give you regrets. Conversely, it will be the relief of knowing you'd made the right choice to undertake it right at the beginning.
And I stand stronger, against physical fatigue, against mental strain & stress, ever ready to face whatever life throws at me, or even better, put myself into situations for life to throw things at =)
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Summer league ended last Sunday. I just received the stats listing and quick glance at it saw me finish the season with 7 scores, 3 assists and 3 defences. Not the best of stats definitely, a far cry from the top stats people. But taking into account this is my first ever competitive thing, made me feel quite proud. The 7 scores made me joint top scorer in the team, though my style of play meant my natural tendency to score is higher than some. Not that it matters alot. I guessed at the end of the day, stats only tell one side of the picture. In the game, there are so many more stuffs that stats don't account for, for example the no. of good passes you make and the no. of good cuts you did. Nevertheless, I still felt my stats could be much better and I blame it on the fact that I didn't improve fast enough through the league, perhaps feeling better only towards the 2nd half of the league. Shall keep my head down and work hard.
League finals is next sunday, which meant I would have to leave on 2nd day for the afternoon perhaps. F***! I hate the feeling of leaving camp halfway, and having people feel I'm so irresponsible and uncommitted. Damnit. Well, but as what I told the ogl, I think the camp needs me less. In some way, that's a good thing =)
Today I left work late, around 645pm, and as I stepped out of the building and into the neighbourhoods of balestier, I found a suddenly very relaxed me. Unknowingly, I haven't had time alone to myself (excluding those bus rides) for a really long time, and as I strolled by the river trail in the lovely evening sky, I possessed all the calmness the world could offer. Not that I wasn't composed usually, but all of a sudden I found myself free of all the rushing abouts, so badly that I couldn't remember the last time I felt so liberated.
Not that I resent all the social obligations. Birthdays, surprises, random meetups, drinking sessions, mahjong sessions, dinners blah blah blah.. Some obligations are so much easily fulfilled, so much more willingly conquered. Others, u drag ur ass, find excuses, and when u run out of those, became a real dread. Thankfully, I'd the benefit of a very strange thing some call passion, others refer to as attachment, which takes me through my obligations fairly easily.
And more than social obligations, there's the occasion official stuffs to do, such as meetings and the like. Similarly thankfully, it's what drives you to take part in such things that keeps you going back, that makes you feel less "obliged" but more responsible.
Many ppl hear me say, 'my hols are busier than my school days'. I mean com'on what do you do in normal school time, besides attending lectures and tutorials? And arts ppl have the most luxurious timetables of every single uni student! Freakin 3hrs per week per module, that's like 15hrs total.. That's like less than 2 of my working days man.. Wtf I just realised that. Hence, it's already a duh how much less free time I have now. Plus now I play frisbee 3 x a week (I'm totally not complaining totally enjoying the amount of game time) and meet like different people every other day. No wonder I felt the way I did today.
Yesterday was our last league game. We played the runaway league leaders and in all honesty, we played a game worthy of being runner-ups. They previously conceded 18 in all games and yesterday we scored 50% more! or roughly there la.. I scored 2 breakaways, which was pretty satisfying considering I played only like 4 or 5 pts. Yet on hindsight I felt I could have added 2 more, one of which wasn't my fault (someone else dropped) and one of which I didn't know whose fault (probably i could have ran faster or the throw could have been slower). Either way, I'm still pretty proud of myself and more of the entire team. It's been a tremendous season and we came a long long LONG way. Since day one when we lost like 15-1 or something to racking up a 4-5 game winning streak which ended yesterday. And I guessed to all the others out there the scary thing is we're still far from our full potential.
I'm feeling random today.
These days I cant conjure up a decent blog post. It seems like I cant keep my thoughts where they came up so they just keep flying all over the place and in the end I get one big mess which I dont know where to start from. One and a half more weeks to arts camp, I dowan to sound damn excited here but in fact I am! Been getting lotsa feedback about the new guys, and by and large I think I'm pretty lookin forward to seeing them in action.
Oh and I'm going summit. I wonder if thats a sign of more responsibility to come. Though I'm totally not dreading responsibility, I'm more concerned about having to deal with people that have been here far longer than I am. Looks like plenty of ground work has to be done. Oh and first of the assignments have been matric fair. I need to get things going soon!
Ok I'm out of here! Where's the opaque wall? Hahaha I'm making you guys think it's gone...
I'm back from 2 days of pure madness! In a place dominated by hot-blooded year2s, I stood out awkwardly and prominently, my only counterparts are one step higher in the hierarchy than they were at the same point in time last year. They were back with a bigger purpose the same purpose but in an arguably bigger role, whereas I was back, with a confused status and a complicated role. Nonetheless, we shared a common goal - something of which has been troubling us since the end of our tenure, surfacing and demanding more urgency through the end of last semester and right through our exams.
I am proud, very proud, VERY proud. Proud to have finally achieved what we set out to endeavour. Proud of all the talent that we had at our disposal. More than that, I am also proud of every single red-blooded individual. For all the surprises they have given us. For all they have shown in the short span of time. For all the doubts they have eased in our minds. For making our jobs so much easier.
I'm god-damned proud of the (entire) house~!! =)
Even though I've probably been through all of it, every camp brings along a set of different experiences and different individuals, different emotions and different revelations, and a certain amount of self-discovery. I realised that being around people with energy makes you feel particularly energetic, it's almost as if ALL emotions are contagious, be it happiness, sadness, emoness and even energy! Though sometime back I kinda doubted my ability to reach the heights of highness I did, the 2 days thoroughly dispelled all doubts and made me remember the feeling of pumping adrenaline and having boundless of energy to work with. And I love that feeling...
But while I relish the prospect of doing it all over again and feeling every single detail, righting all the wrongs and all the imperfections, I acknowledge the importance of a blood line, something that will enable the effective carrying-forward of the spirit so strongly stirred in our time. I acknowledge the importance of granting a selected few the chance to experience the same highs and lows I did during my time, the same unbelievable experiences and the same unsurpassable emotions during and after the camp, long after. I acknowledge the importance of having a team, so even and balanced, equal and respectful, yet devoid of any hierarchical structure within that would possibly prove a stumbling stone in the quest for quiet efficiency and outrageous excellence alike. Most importantly, I acknowledge above all personal concerns, the ultimate goal lies unchanged, no matter who at the helm may be (okay it could not be, but it must be!) The spirit of R shall be carried upon the shoulders of all who care most deeply, even if not now, but definitely in the near future, whereupon care and above all love, becomes an all but natural development when the time is near, the war is fought and won, the tears are shed and the love is shared.
Hello world~ I’m finally back from exile! The Google-Microsoft battle reeled me in and due to my Google-inclinations the latter activated some high tech shit that prevented me from accessing blogger. How childish. . . . . . Ok I made that up.
Updates on my life! Exams ended, ain’t feeling particularly happy or anything as I probably underperformed for another semester. I was probably more relieved after each paper that I gotten it over and done with, with the notable exception of philo, which I really really enjoyed. Results were out last Friday. I guessed the inflated expectations this semester probably served to dampened my mood, for the results weren't exactly poor, neither were they good. Well, come to think of it, I'd hovered around these few numbers before the huge and sudden (and regretable) dip last semester. Hence, I think performing consistently within one's bracket of ability is to me, sufficient. I'm not a first class (literally not honours) student, why am I aiming for first class grades?
The week after exams have been pretty much chilling, less of playing wildly and elaborate post-exams activities, but more of having extra personal time and spending some with loved ones. The immediate Saturday we took to Pulau Ubin and had a revitalizing time being in the outdoors and exploring the less visited parts of ubin. Unfortunately, our endeavours came to naught as we couldn’t relocate that magnificent spot with the most awesome view of the quarry. As MJ mentioned in his blog, ubin’s commercialization made it no longer such an innocent, peaceful, worryfree place, somewhat supposedly for citydwellers to escape. It became more like a tourist attraction, though ironically I don’t think it’s attractive to tourists who probably are used to having more lush greens than us. Rather, it became a necessity, merely a symbol that proves in spite of the degree of urbanization, we are still sufficiently and rightfully close to nature. The conclusion I drew was east coast park was probably a better choice for a cycling outing, while the supposedly challenging trails of ubin could be found aplenty in mainland, add to that the cost of ferry rides have risen significantly since I last remembered, I see why local visitors are a rare sighting.
Oh! I started work at my usual workplace. Xy asked me why I wasn't sian going back to the same place. I told her, it's only a temp job, so it does not make any difference where I go, I don't need a new challenge, I don't need (career) advancements, I just needs a place that pays. Going back to all the aunties that I already know just makes things easier, I don't have to get acquainted, even though this time there was quite a number of newcomers. The location is of course a plus, a stone throw's away from Leonard's hse in Balestier. In spite of the economy's downturn, where everywhere else seemed to be cutting workers, I actually came back to witness a mini-population boom. As a result, the usual intense workload naturally disappears, and what trickles down to us temp staff similarly shrank. Those lucky new temps will never know what it is like last time. Oh yar, these kids are making me feel damn old. They're waiting to enter uni and the guys are 88s and the girls are BEHOLD 90s, ROMGZ 90s!! Scary shitz, it just spells the start of the emerging new generation. There comes the young, hot-blooded kids, all ready storm the academic arena and display their excellence!
This post was supposed to have occurred before the weekend of happenings, but alas procrastination took over. Look out for the next one soon, I dowan to chunk everything together.
I used to tell some people that being on the soccer court makes me an entirely different person, I felt free, energetic and creative. Even more so, I feel confident in my abilities and I loved what I was doing then.
People change. Now I no longer have to be on the court to feel what I felt then...
No that - about being a different person - is not my topic today.
Rather, it's about me having found a new love~!
For all the impulses and swagger football gave me, I realized that it's no longer exclusive. Anything can give me that. Frisbee, netball, captain's ball blah blah blah... Even tabletennis, something we associate with all the billions of tiongs, can make you feel damn high. It's the biological effect (team) sports have on us!
Picking up frisbee has to be one of the best decisions. Barely months into the sport, I find myself looking forward to every single training session, no matter how busy or stressful the other aspects of my life was. Even if there was an exam the next day, I think it still brings the best out of me. And yes, being on the field may not give me the things that I already have, but it makes you feel part of something greater than yourself, and I don't think everyone can understand how that feels. Personally, I think the affirmation comes from seeing yourself improve and do things that you can only marvel at previously.
Really, there's nothing like seeing a better you.
Me. Number 6.
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Soccer and frisbee/netball/captainsball, such is the huge disparity. Some of my friends who play soccer or basketball hates these (frisbee/netball/captainsball) . And I can see why. Soccer and basketball allows them to exist in motion with the ball. Think of it, why are we wow-ed by the dazzling skills of Thierry Henry and Ryan Giggs and -insert basketball stars names-? That's because they can do amazing things with the ball. For example, until sports journalists mentioned, people seldom notice the off-the-ball runs that strikers are making, even though that run could be more significant than the one with the ball - probably drawing defenders and creating massive space - because it can never look as impressive.
Simiarly, people who started out playing soccer and basketball love the things they can do with the ball, myself included. We just love the way we can dribble the ball, feign defenders, nutmeg people and even more audacious things like lobbing or rounding the keeper and humiliating (in the name of sport) defenders. Likewise, bball players love the alley-hops, dunks, lay-ups -i dunno the basketball terms- and (yes) humiliating defenders.
When they suddenly switched to the other sports, sports like frisbee netball and captains ball, they feel their freedom restricted and their range of skills becoming useless. They suddenly feel like they're normalized, becoming just another player on the court. Gradually, they realised the limited things they can do and become increasingly frustrated. What they often don't realise is, such games requires more tactical disciplined and acumen. By that, I don't mean like the tactics that coach plan and instruct their teams to carry out, but rather every's player tactical role. Not that fball and bball didn't require such things, but at our level it's sufficient to be just good individually. Seldom do we need other people to create space and stuffs like this. As a result, some become irritated and cannot enjoy the sport.
Since picking up netball, I've begun to appreciate such sports, appreciate the importance of the off-the-ball runs, appreciate the things we can all do, without the ball. It's such a relevation, because we (I) are always so focused on our individual products that we do not realise the achievements of a team is more than the sum of the individual products.
On the bus rides that i'm plugged in(to my ipod), i have this tingling fear that while i get drawn into the songs that are playing in my ears, i'll unknowingly unintendedly and accidentally burst out a one-liner or something. Scary shitz...
U know those people that are so oblivious to their surroundings and sing out loud on public transports? Eeeyer... i dowan to do that. it's damn paiseh
The wind was so strong that when we wanted to close the maindoor, the force against us was so huge we felt we nearly couldn't close it. Phew...
At that moment, i was like omg this feels like a disaster. Then i stared at the crane about a block away, hoping nothing bad will happen in a country where we've gotten so used to peaceful weather.
Then there was a loud bang, followed by lotsa other crashes and booms. The door was closed so we couldn't see what happened. When it simmered down, what we saw was madness.
Pictures taken today's morning...
The entire tree was uprooted! Freaking huge tree that blocked my front view for all the years. And that freakin wind actually could uproot it. wtf~
A little construction site. Part of the fencing was totally destroyed.
U know recently the weather has been really erratic. Terribly hot and stuffy sunny days followed immediately by great downpours like water is free. And now this. U know i keep saying it's the end of the world. i'm not kiddin' man...
LOLs, who would expect to live to see the end of the world?
The week-long lull has not come from lack of blogging ideas nor time. Neither does it stem from lack of things to say. On the contrary, I've freakin' 1001 things to rant about. Not about studies, but about group dynamics, interpersonal stuffs, human relations blah blah... Rant about how ugly the world is, how fat ppl have loser mentality etc. (okay the last 2 is cryptic and just for fun-mock sake so don't start thinking i'm so mean - okay maybe i'm mean but this i don't mean it)
Anyhows, I've decided against ranting about these people for the moment - may change my mind anytime heehee - cos i don't feel like wasting my time discussing such issues (actually the issues are damn important but it's the ppl that i dowan waste my time) when i've better things to do like studying playing FM. But i'm just blogging it down to bring awareness *lols evil ploy* and remind myself next time i read this.
5 more days to my first paper. i gotta start getting rid of this false sense of confidence.
2 more weeks to the end of it all. On paper it looks a damn short time to make a final sprint, but i know myself and i know that i can't do what most ppl do and study like 16hrs a day for 2 weeks. So i gotta make sure the 8hrs (or less) i put in is really fantastic. Jiayou jiayou~
2 more weeks before i can start doing stuffs that i enjoy, and start doing things i've been putting off awhile, earn some money and really look forward to the hols. Lotsa stuffs to do besides playing but mainly setting several things in my life right.
Random, but in the comments given to my philo essay by the tutor, i see shortcomings in not just the way i wrote the paper, but also in myself as in my character and the way i handle people in my life. Am not gonna elaborate on this cos am still going through more self-exploration and of course being the opaque wall i am i ain't gonna tell the whole world about myself and the way me works.
Oh! How can i forget? We're out of the fa cup, the most plausible silverware for this young team. A loss to freakin' chelski is the worst way to exit a tournament, whats worse is losing via 2 freak goals that resulted from amateurish mistakes that probably teamnus would be ashamed of committing. I was god-damned disappointed and angry that night.
I refused to read the papers the next day, for it will merely be a ground for backward-talking journalists to verbally destroy my team. Here's what they probably would have written... (1) wenger should have fielded arshavin like wth who knows what will happen talking as if he's the messiah, wenger may be saving him from the tortures and tumbles of a derby. what's more, hiddink probably knew him inside out and like instructed essien or some other african monster to break his leg (2) lampard (man of the match) utterly overran and overpassed arsenal like please everyone in the chelski team was so-so if we haven't made those 2 childish errors (that led to the goal and plenty more that we got away with) we probably would be in the fined (3) captain terry hails drogba's wembley heroics ok i cheated i saw this title in soccernet. but i don't believe it. maybe footballers for all their glamour and skills they're mentally not there. just because u rounded an back-up keeper who made a amateurish error doesn't make u the best striker in the world. oh and what a world-class finish that was! the open goal makes it interestingly difficult and it's indeed world-class
It's okay. Let's win something else.
On another note, 2 lines to end off my post. I need to become a better person.
Just had beach fiesta debrief or AAR whichever u wanna call it. Makes me think of those times after our odac activities and do after actions review, but then it's different. Last time we used to hate all these debriefs and aars thingy, as we were always so tired and hungry during those times (also most probably due to our immaturity then). Now everyone seemed to have something good/bad/possibly constructive to say. Or maybe cos it was the pizza...
I don't like this indescribable, unexplainable nostalgic feeling I'm having now. It's like there's something in me that's crying out for more. Maybe it's a little like what omi randomly, but so adequately put it, at the end of it, you suddenly realised it's over, then you ask yourself, "how come so fast? i want more!"
I don't like this feeling cos there's nothing you can do about it - you can't possibly have more. Yet then again, I kinda like it.
Grace cried today making her speech. Makes me feel for her and empathise. I know you may think I have the tendency to associate crying with feeling for something. But that's probably in me as well. Jo'an wanted to but held back rather well. I felt like it all stems from what you put in in the first place. If you gave really alot to something, feeling for it just becomes all natural and inevitable. Conversely, if you didn't feel that way, you probably also know it yourself you didn't give what you could have.
Zm didn't attend the meeting. Yet his name was one of those most commonly brought up. When I hear the rest talking about him, I find things in him that perhaps the whole admin team (including me) failed to notice during the preparations process leading to the event. Funnily, when we are his team and are supposedly working closer to him.
Saw alot of things today, about informal group dynamics and work dynamics. Some I already knew all along. Some I just noticed, though they have been happening all along.
Here I was typing away, something suddenly struck me. I suddenly see an association between zm and his team (us) & an ogl and his councillors. It's like while he actively seeks to maintain the connection between his side and the other side, the ogls constantly seek to maintain the connection between themselves and the house. And while we probably find him distant and perhaps lacking sufficient communication towards us, the councillors tend to find the ogl distant and closer to the other ogls. And just like how we are blinded to the things he have done and contributed to the success of the event, councillors often are blinded to the things the ogl have done w the house in mind.
Updated 9-Apr : On hindsight the above paragraph seemed to have a hint of arrogance. None of it was intended though! =S What I really wanted to say is we often dunnoe what there's to do until we take up that role.
I have no idea why there's so much to bf than just being an event roped in to help zm. But after this whole thing it's like something's added to my constant whirling thoughts, things that make me ttm about, something that really brought something out in me. Made me feel curious. Made me feel useful. Made me feel slack at the same time. Made me feel all this while, I should be doing something more (in my life, not bf).
After hitting a century with an insanely happy post or one slightly hinting of the gloominess of life, depending on how (or rather who) you look at it (from), I am back after being on hiatus for a few days!!
Rah...my com just emo-ed for the nth time (n is statistically significant) these few days and hibernated on its on. If I look on the really bright side, I should probably be happy that it hibernated instead of crashing. If that continues I will never get anything done though...
It's 7 plus am and it's a strange time to find me posting anything - or even doing anything besides snugged comfortably in my bed and find myself late for macro lecture later. But it's a strange feeling too, waking up and finding myself just 10mins from class, tucked away in zm's small but really really raileycosy room.
Hell week ended on Friday morning and I proceeded to have an eventful chillout weekend that was probably too long and happening. But neva mind la I really need to recharge last week was horrendous, with all developmental-trade and philosophical thoughts circulating my head, plus the occasional R-related thoughts that I can't shake off.
Like it or not, R is a big mental burden. Some people can choose to carry it or not. But not me. Not us.
Suffered first degree brain damage today after coughing out 3000+ words on my freaking developmental essay. I feel damn burnt out nao...
Which is a good time to be thinking about HAPPY things!
As promised, gonna blog about bf! Seriously I've never felt the same sense of achievement for a long long time. Arts Camp 08 probably had the same effect, yet it's same same but rather different.
Year 2 sem 2 already but this is the first arts club project I'd ever took. Not that I played an important/leadership role but it was nonetheless still terrific to be part of something bigger. Oh yes this is fast becoming my favourite line..
It is always great to be part of something bigger than oneself
Ok that's random. Anyway point is despite my emo-ness a few posts back, I felt my decision to snub the frisbee team was perfectly justified. I'd that tingling feeling back then when I was making the decision that I didn't want to be absent from something possibly great, didn't want to be away from the RcommG6 peeps who form the immediate team in bf. Frisbee's IVP ended and we won freaking second! It was like the highest achievement they possibly could have achieved (cos first was really too good). Yet after Saturday I felt nothing but relief I made that choice back then. No signs of regrets. Not a pity.
Beach fiesta seriously ownsi. When some random participant come and tell you how great your organisation is and that they're definitely coming back for next year's, you know you did a good job. When some participants come back and ask for the Bens&Jerrys vouncher you unofficially promised them during registration, you gave them only 3 and their thank-yous are so much that you find cheesy and their smiles make you feel so proud. When you see all (ok most) your fellow organisers slogging their hearts out, burnt faces and shoulders but happy hearts (ok quoted cass), you just can't help but feel happy.
And when you sit down and smile at yourself sillily while staring blankly at the crowd doing their competitions and stuffs, you know you are made for such things.
There are lotsa people to thank, but most importantly I would like to credit Zhimin for a really great job done for his last arts project. As what I told him, despite our differences I think his style of working works well enough (evidently from bf) and I think in him I can learn some stuffs.
Also, Jo'an and Grace for always making us feel like we underworked - cos they worked too much not that they complained about us. When you see Jo'an cry at the end, you know she feels the way you did when you sang "won't go home without you" the last time during Arts Camp. There's no way you can't feel the passion from her and that's something to respect. When people cry, you know that they must have given their all to feel the way they do.
And through beach fiesta I gotta work with quite a few people that I don't even know exist before. Other than the 2 mentioned above you have people like Xuewei (T-house traitor come R-house liao muahahhaa), Weiwei (who sprayed some uber cool thingy on my hand and make it look like fake peeling), the other girl with weiwei (who ownsi the real emcee of the day) just to mention a few. And of course the Oweek jing-gang came back to help people like Bing-shu, Kaiwei, Yvonne, Yanwei, Remy, Zhijun etc. It's nice knowing new people and working with people that you roughly know.
And the people you always knew. The 5 people you must meet before you go to heaven, minus the one in Michigan. What can possibly go wrong?
And lying on the sand, under the stars, with the sea breeze, listening to the one song that probably holds the record as the quickest song to bring tears to my eyes! Who can ask for more?
Beach Fiesta 09 rocksi!! =)
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On my long bus journey home, this suddenly struck me. I thought about achievements one might have in their NUS life. Some people go for exchange. Some people stay in hall. Some achieve hell lot in hall, hall comm etc. Some people join clubs, like arts management comm. Some people join the student union. Some people join one CCA and win medals. (Some join many and win many medals.) Some people become house ICs. Some become OGLs. Some people become councillors and touch lives. Some people take up projects.
... Some just study...
I never wanted to be someone who just study. No one enjoys studying, but most people at least think it's important to get good grades. For me, I dunno why I wanna get good grades. Maybe I don't really wanted. Only when I get extremely bad grades do I wanna get good grades to make it up.
Oh then goes the elimination. I wanted to go exchange, but I guessed I didn't WANT it so badly. Mainly the cost provided the major deterrence as I didn't want an extra burden on my parents.
I didn't join halls in year 1. I applied for year 2, but nah din't get in. Applied again for year 3, but din't get it either.
I thought I wld follow in carol's footsteps and step into MC. But the mc of our generation was different from hers. And at that time there was enough to handle, mc wld probably be an extra burden.
I never considered union. Never would.
I had enough of odac. Like linin, I probably wouldn't want another experience of the same thing with a different group of people. "Corrupts" the original experience. Other CCAs wouldn't suit me, I'm not talented enough.
I never took projects. Only thing I ever did was beach, which was like day before yesterday.
I became a councillor, an OGL. Thats like the only thing I did.
I joined frisbee too la okaaaay, but it's too premature to clock that in.
I think when I look back on university life, the only things that I probably will remember are probably R-house and all the campy stuffs. Conversely, I'll have plenty of regrets. Hall maybe one of them. Projects maybe another.
Definitely not studies. I'm kinda tired of hearing people say "you know so-and-so CAP is like wow and so-and-so has a double degree and blah blah blah......". I have my priorities and you have yours and they are different. Leave it at that.
Shall ponder over this issue for a little while and see what I can do about it. I hate feeling like the last exciting part of my entire life is probably under-utilised.
Happy people have happy thoughts. Happy people make lotsa people happy. Everyone likes happy people!
It's not over tonight Just give me one more chance to make it right I may not make it through the night I won't go home without you
I've a freaking 4000 word essay due tomorrow and I'm at my 400th word now. Too many thoughts have been occupying my mind these few weeks. Too many for my own good. But I can't help thinking about things that really means alot to me.
On a different note, Beach Fiesta was a blast! I absolutely love it!! Funnily, I felt the "organising stuff" me again and I kinda like it =)
Cast away all your fears, doubts and worries. Quit ttm-ing into every single word, every other decision, every little thing. Let it all go, for it's only without such constraints can you perform like you never done before. Don't let belittle yourself and others.
Don't let little things/thoughts/mindsets/differences get in the way of bigger things.
During training today the IVP squad was announced, officially for the first time. As expected, I wasn't in the team. I recall the time when I emailed the guys up there, informing about my unavailability on one of the days of IVP. Somehow, when the team was read out today, there is still a sense of inevitable pity and sadness.
After training while I was leaving, the captain weiliang said to me 'You not free on Saturday issit?' 'Yah *sigh* I am organising the beach fiesta, I told choi already...' 'Oh okay, just wanting you to know... *hangs off from there*' 'It's okay, see you!' 'See you...'
Sigh sense my sadness? Haha I may sound arrogant but honestly I truly expected to be in the team cos I think my progress given my newcomer status is rather unexpected. I mean definitely you can see your own standard relative to those around you, no? I recall the time when I was contemplating skipping beach fiesta cos I really think my presence wouldn't be that important on the actual day cos I should have settled all forms of payment by then. Nonetheless, I feel I shouldn't be a liability to the entire team. Perhaps I didn't want people to get the impression that I was being a shirker and slacker.
But when the reality hits me today, it hit me really hard. I found myself wanting to be in the team very much, to play against all the other tertiary teams and possibly win something, or go as far as possible. Definitely, there's still next year, but one year is a hell of a long time and god knows what will happen next year? Besides, I'm not that sure the same old jink gang will be around. Sighhh...
Well what's done is done and nothing could be changed now. I guessed life goes on, whatever happens and I'm certain my love for the sport will definitely not be changed by such a small incident. And of course, there will always be other competitions and stuff. Shall not allow myself to wallow in self-pity or emo-ness so long, just tonight...
I'd one of the worse bus rides of my life (hahaha exaggeration but it definitely helps makes a more exciting story) - ranks probably second to the moustache indian guy, remember?
My story begins. Heading home in the evening around 6, I was expecting one hell of a long ride, so when I saw that the one-in-a-million double-decked air-conditioned 151 I was like 'saved my journey'. Gosh, the bus have't even gotten out of school before I was proven wrong! Sitting on the top level, I spotted him the moment he came up, promptly I made my move. Unusually, my normally powerful you-shant-sit-next-to-me-stare didn't work on this particular guy. This dude just proceeded to sit next to me, walaoeh when like there are so many better possiblities. Shiatz..
I hope I don't go to hell by saying what I'm gonna say now. But hell I still shall say it. This guy looks weird but he smells a million times worse! Omg I wanted to die when he sat down, you know when ppl sit down you feel this gush of air. Usually the 'air' would be neutral but this dude just impossibly (but he did) polluted it. He stinks for goodness sake! Gosh why wouldn't someone that smells so bad know it, and use deodourant, or perfume, or bring change of clothes, or bathe before he leave his house, and bathe again when he's heading home, so that people on public transport don't suffer his wrath scent. And wait, he's not even fat - how can he smell so bad!?
From the minute he sat down I was praying he gets off, clementi rd being my best bet. Super suck si he ended up taking the entire trip with me. Yucks. But wait, being the good natured non-controversial nice guy that I always am (even though I always enjoy a little bit of bitching), how can that be enough to spike me into blogging such a lengthy, bitchy complain? It would totally make me seem so himbo!
And you guessed it. He proceeded to fall into lalaland while I continue to bathe in his stinkiness. As with most ppl, our senses get desensitized after awhile, and I was sort of used to his smell. Argh that's disgusting. Oh anyway while in lalaland his head keep tilting towards me, like you know those people who fall asleep and then lean on you? Exactly! How irritating is that, coupled with the fact that I'm already disgusted by some other quality of him! Okay now I can hear some of you complaining now that I sleep everywhere also how dare I say that of someone, but hey when I sleep I absolutely perfect my technique of tilting my head such that it never bothers passerbys. Yar yar sometimes I fail, I am only human, but when I do fail, I immediately find an exit plan, by furiously apologizing and then making sure I don't repeat it ever for the entire journey. That probably meant sticking my head on the window panel and suffer the consequences of waking up with a loud thud that I supposed came from my head banging against the glass. Well, at least I'm not falling on people's shoulders!
Utterly uneasy, I proceeded with a set of self-defence techniques, aimed at keeping his filthy head away and hopefully him awake. Kindly spread these techniques to all your friends and families, especially girls who always helplessly get caught in such situations. (1) I made my uneasiness known. I keep fidgeting around and making all sorts of movements, so that his shoulders against mine doesn't come to a rest. (2) My crumpler came to my rescue. I purposely opened it damn loud a few times and I realised everytime I opened he came awake, albeit momentary. (3) I made my shoulders seemed especially broad and tried to repell him as much as I could. While he leaned I nudged over. I don't really care if it was too obvious cos obviously he was intruding. (4) I contemplated getting off the bus - but I didn't cos I was doing the above well. (5) Basically just make a nuisance of yourself on your seat, keep moving around, don't cringe and move in and allow more space for the advancer.
Today was a classic case where my love for public transport and long bus rides was tainted. Oh that reminds me, keep on the lookout for another post on reasons why I can eventually dislike taking buses and/or trains.
Certainly calls for a photo moment!
Me. Number 6.
different books have different thickness
Ooooooh... o.O (the purple looks uncannily familiar)
coffee & tea, and simple pleasures in life =)
